5 years ago today.

We said goodbye to your mother on October 2nd, 2007.  You kissed her, after she left…

_______________

“Will I be here in 5 years to renew this passport again?”

…She asked me at the passport office. Right before all three of us went to New York City together. Our first trip following the diagnosis.

“Will I be there to hold C’s hand, on her first day of school?”

…She asked me during a quiet moment at home.

“Will I live to see my hair grow back again this long?”

…She asked, while I was cutting it off, right before she was about to start her chemo.

_

These were the poignant moments.  And after each question, I would answer, “Yes.”

On another occasion, about 18 months later when it was clear the end was coming sooner than any of us thought, she looked at the envelope that had arrived that day, addressed to her. She read her name aloud and said,

“When I used to see my name written somewhere, I always wondered what my end would be. Now I know.”

I had no response for her that time, other than to look her in the eye for a moment, and then look away.

—Peter.

9 thoughts on “5 years ago today.

  1. Mads Pallesen says:

    Very gripping, touching and heart wrenching – I felt a knot in my stomach while reading this. Can’t even imagine how tough the times you have gone through must have been, and how it must feel writing the above lines.

    I feel humbled by you sharing so close emotions – I’m sure she’s smiling down to you on this day.

    – Mads

  2. hughf says:

    Dearest Peter,

    I really wanted to send you all my love and support. I wish from the bottom of my heart … She can see how you are present for your children and all the love that you give them … You can be proud of what you realize today as father … And the man you are.
    I’m really touched by these words that describe so strongly all these sad emotions …
    I have very strong attention to your daughter and for you also.
    With all my respect.
    Your devoted friend.

    Hugues.

  3. Jeffrey Dam says:

    Dear Peter, My deepest regards for sharing. You touched me in so many ways, the earth stopped moving for a couple of seconds. I lost my mother almost 19 months ago, also on cancer. As you can see I still count months… Allthough the memory of the horrible final life embracing moment looses its sharpness, the emotion never fades. Sometimes it’s a emotional survival in this too fast world.

    Do take care!

    Jeffrey

  4. agplatt says:

    Thank you for writing that Peter. There is so much love in your words.

  5. Mark says:

    Peter; this is an extremely, extremely powerful post and image. Thank you for your exceptional candor. I grieve with you.

    Warmest regards,
    Mark

  6. Jeroen says:

    Speachless…

  7. Godfrey says:

    I understand. My mother passed away on January 25, 2008.
    She is with me still as well.

    Peace to you.

    “Only in silence the word,
    only in dark the light,
    only in dying, life;
    bright the hawk’s flight
    on the empty sky.”

  8. jasonehowe says:

    A most touching tribute, my heart felt condolences.

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